It's not that I want to quit Mitchell's blog, or that I just don't care. It's not even that it's too hard, at least not to my conscious mind. Perhaps subconsciously I don't want to "deal" with any of these emotions so I avoid them instead. I don't know. I do want to keep remembering and maybe this is a good way to do that. Our friend, Keith, passed away within one hour of Mitchell. He was an almost five-year-old sweet boy battling medulloblastoma. His mother, Darcee, and I have corresponded for almost two years. She definitely understands how I feel. I hope she doesn't mind me linking her blog, but if you're interested in reading my thoughts, hers are almost identical.
We are doing okay; that's the only word that can capture the essence of our feelings. I am mostly grateful for the beautiful life we live; we have the gospel of Jesus Christ, each other, necessities of life, and our health. I am so grateful for my husband and other children--they mean everything to me. Gratitude fills the emptiness in my heart and allows me to continue forward being happy. That being said, there are minutes, hours, and days that come where I feel really sad. None of this seems possible or real. How can he be gone? Why did he have to suffer so much? Although I remember many good, beautiful memories, I am also haunted by recollections of his frail brave body, pushing forward day after day. That breaks my heart and always brings tears. Sometimes I just have to sob and feel it all as much as I try to avoid it. It's hard...there's no way to change that.
I've dreaded certain days coming, but have been amazed that on those days I don't feel sad at all. Obviously it is a blessing and I am grateful. I admit that the holiday season itself has been a challenge. Nothing in particular sets me off, but there's just a feeling of sadness. I am, however, very proud of myself because I did put up Christmas decorations even though I had about zero desire to do it. I am excited to celebrate with my children and this Christmas we have some service planned that I hope will make things brighter.
We continue to appreciate all of the love and support we receive from our family and friends. Whether a text to let us know you're thinking of us, or a treat left on our door step, it all means so much. I was talking to my cousin the other day and she said her friend who lost a child mentioned how those acts acknowledged to her that others still remembered her child. I think an underlying fear for us parents who lose children is that everybody's life moves forward and there's a desperate feeling to keep your child's "life" going. It's just so hard to do because the truth is, the world DOES keep moving forward even though our lives are stopped/slowed. It hurts, but it's just the way it is. That's why it feels so great to read of other's service in Mitchell's behalf. Even though he can't be here any longer, it is nice to see his memory moving forward along with everyone else. We pray you all have a safe and happy holiday season. Cherish your time with your loved ones and focus on those things that matter most: the Savior, family, and caring for those who need.
